I applied in July last year for Personal Independence Payment (PIP). This is the replacement benefit in the UK for Disability Living Allowance (DLA).
I received a letter in response to this, informing me that I scored 0 out of 12 for having a disability, and that frankly they thought I didn't deserve the benefit...
I have no qualms with the system; they can't have everyone on this payment, but the reasons they gave me are frankly unrealistic...
This change in benefit has created a new system which completely disregards mental health issues. Under DLA there was recognition for questions such as 'Can you wash yourself?'. DLA gave the option of I cannot due to lack of motivation which is my problem. Yes I can physically pick up a wipe and clean my face, and yes I do know how to run a bath and sit in it, but due to my mental health I am not able to bath myself.
Not bath yourself?? Really?? Yes really. There are a couple of reasons for this; firstly I can barely summon the motivation to leave the couch, never mind get up, run a bath, wait for it, get in the bath, clean myself, wash my hair, get out, dry myself, sort out my hair, clean the bathroom. Secondly, I don't feel safe to get in the bath. I feel as though if my voices started telling me to in the bath, I'd put myself beneath the water and drown myself.
By my knowledge, I know that I am unable to clean myself unassisted; my mum has had to bathe me, and I've had 4 baths in 6 months. However, because I have the physical capability to turn a tap I am considered 'Able to bathe myself' under this new system.
I am ill enough that I am being considered for inpatient hospital care. I hear voices, and have visual hallucinations. Last time I got a bath, I saw and felt leeches crawling all over me and had to jump out and run away.
Mental Health is treated as a 'made up' sickness. I just wish that the people who make these rules had to spend one day in my head. I would love to be well, to be independent and to be free of myself, but it's not something you can just 'snap out' of.
A very close friend of mine is wheelchair bound... She is very independent, in everything except being able to walk. She receives help from the state. I do not begrudge her this, she is very deserving of it. However, I am held in a mental prison, dependent upon my poor mum for everything; hospital appointments, financial management, midnight visits to stop my panic attack.
I am just clinging on to the faint glimmer of hope that is the appeal.
I have Asperger Syndrome, Severe Recurrent Depression, ?Bipolar disorder, ?Schizophrenia, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Bulimia Nervosa, Anxiety, Panic Disorder... and that's just my mental health. Obviously though, all my illness is in my head... so all those diagnoses count for nothing...
I work, and I have to do overtime as I have no other income. This is making my illness worse. I know I'm getting worse as I'm starting to research methods of suicide again. I don't consider it suicide though, I consider it euthanasia. When my psychiatrist, other doctors, family and friends ask if I feel suicidal I always say no. I'm not exactly lying, I just consider it differently to them.
If a dog is ill for a long time getting no joy from life, a vet will put it down. Why can't a human do the same for itself?? We're animals at the end of the day, and should be able to choose our method and circumstance of death.
Hopefully, one day I will be well enough to lobby and petition government, making them sit up and take notice. That is, if I get the help to survive that long... Each and every day is a battle, and sooner or later I'm preparing to wave a white flag and throw in the towel.
Sorry, got to go... head too noisy, can't think...
