Aspergers: A Life Less Ordinary
Tuesday 27 May 2014
But are you REALLY there for me?
I have filtered down all of the people in my life using one criteria: 'Would I cry at your funeral?'
For those who fit in the 'no' bracket, it doesn't mean I'd be happy if they died, but it takes a lot for me to cry, so I may just feel sorrow for them.
Those you fit in the 'yes' bracket are those I consider of high importance in my life. Indeed, I would go as far as to say they mean more to me than I mean to me.
Sadly, when they are more important than yourself, you put yourself at the bottom of the list. You don't open up or ask for help, you don't want to burden them; you spend your time wishing, hoping, that they decide to ask you first. You pray that you won't have to get to that horrifically low place again, you want them to intervene before you hit the bottom...
But, for some reason, they never do.
Then you ask them for help, and they make you feel like they're fed up of helping. They seem to think that all you do is ask for help. Ironically, I probably ask for help only 5-10% of the time I feel I need it. The other 90% of the time I am stuck in mental turmoil. All I want to do is ring and beg for support, but I can't because I know what the reaction will be... This makes me feel worse, meaning I need the help more than ever.
Why can they never pick up the phone first? Why can they never call in and say 'Here's some food Laura'. Would it hurt to ring on their way home from work to see if I need anything from the shops?? A pint of milk, a loaf of bread?
All of these things would be infinitesimal to them, but to me would mean the world, that somebody could care enough to think of me without begging for their time.
Maybe I should ask for help 100% of the time I need it, they'd soon realise just how much help I need. I'd feel even more of a failure though :(
I just cannot communicate this to people without seeming ungrateful. I try to write them letters and they don't read the entirety, get to the part where I explain that I need more, then fly off the handle.
The worst part is, I put everybody above myself, so I know that when people are feeling bad I am always trying to keep in touch and support them, so all the support is heading outwards and nothing coming in.
I know this is a pretty self-centred post, but I am trying to vent here rather than try to say something to someone I care for, as they always twist everything.
L x
Sunday 25 May 2014
Social Activity Meltdown!!!!!!!!
I spoke to my psychiatrist about social activities, namely, the fact that I am currently signed off work ill with 'stress-related illness' (for some reason my doctors don't like to put specifics on sick notes). The psych stated that social activities are therapeutic, and as long as I don't go out and act completely irresponsibly it was acceptable for me to attend. It was confirmed to me that the psychiatry team fully support me attending the wedding so long as I was well enough on the day; after all, I am off due to poorly controlled Bipolar Disorder, so some days I am more capable than others.
My psychiatrist said that attending the wedding was a good thing if it were possible for me to get out, so that was my decision made, if I could move from my couch, I was going.
The anxiety attack started 48 hours before the event...
- What if I am not going to be well enough to go?
- What if my clothes don't fit on the day, even though they do now?
- What if I have a panic attack mid ceremony and steal all the attention?
- What if I can't find anyone to fix my eyebrows?
- What if I can't find anyone to dye my hair?
- What if I look awful on the photos and ruin her photographs?
- What if I say something out of line? (I have no brain-to-mouth filter)
- What if I don't like the food and look ridiculous?
- What if I don't like the strangers at our table?
- What if people expect my to do things I feel uncomfortable with?
Somehow, I dragged myself through to the day before the wedding, and managed to find a friend to fix my brows, and a sister to fix my hair... two things less on the worry list... NO, I managed to replace them with other worries... What about the weather, what if I get a headache, what if my heartburn kicks off...?
Finally the day arrived, and true to form I was awake STUPIDLY early. I like to have to rush to get ready as it gives me less time to focus upon my anxieties. I tried to go back asleep; NO, not happening. I tried to watch a film to distract me; NO, can't concentrate. I try to ignore the internal battle of 'I want to be just on time; versus 'You need to get ready, or you'll be late'.
By 10am, my anxieties are sky high. I jump a mile when the postman posts parcels... (happily some sashes I ordered for my other friend's hen night). By 12pm I'm trying for the 10th time to do my hair. I can't make my hair look anything but rubbish, so I'm crying... Happily I haven't done my makeup yet... This is all before I've even got dressed to go...
I was finally good to go, AN HOUR EARLY... I can't deal with waiting around for an hour, I know, I'll go to mums...
Get to my mums, completely forget that there's a massive dog in residence (our family dog, I just forgot that a dog plus tights means potential ladders and lots of fluff)
Before you read the next bit please realise that I am grateful for everything I mention, but the gratitude is tainted by my stupid mental processes:
Then, at the eleventh hour, a change of plan. Instead of me gathering everybody in a taxi, my friend decided she was driving due to the weather. I know, most people would be grateful for saving a bit of cash, but to me it just threw my mental plan. I didn't even think to inform her that I was at mums instead of being at mine.
Then, she made her own way to the church. I am a creature of habit and had a mental plan of how I would have driven. I resisted my instinct to butt in; she was the driver and I should be grateful for the lift. She parked what I considered to be MILES from the church. (I had the advantage of being familiar with the church, so I have no reason to complain really, and it wasn't that far, probably 400m.)
I battled my mental monologue and got to the church :) We were very early, but not the first there. We greeted the groom and found a space to wait. The ceremony was perfect, a lovely service (I got a bit upset by them using an unorthodox tune to 'All Things Bright and Beautiful, but I got over it), and I was able to access a cup of tea afterwards to take paracetamol for the brewing migraine. I knew straight away that it was a stress migraine, after all, I had had a 48 hour panic attack building up to this ceremony.
Ceremony over, now to tackle the wedding breakfast on a table with strangers. Luckily, whether planned or otherwise, my friends sat either side of me shielding me from strangers, for which I was grateful. They also understood when I didn't speak for 20 minutes whilst I tried to get a handle on my aching head and waves of nausea.
Feeling more in control and healthier, I enjoyed the speeches, cutting of the cake and laughing at 'Mr Westlife', the toastmaster who looked and sounded like Louis Walsh would stick him in a boyband.
I then had to follow the preceding seven tables to visit the buffet. I DON'T really do buffets, you don't know who's been mauling your food, has there been flies on it, has anyone sneezed/coughed/sweated on it??
However, I was feeling both brave and incredibly hungry, so I decided to get a selection and see how it went. I got a curry, rice, chips, chicken stuff, pizza, wedges, sausage rolls... I got LOADS!!! and aside from the rogue peppers and courgettes in the curry, I ate everything!!!
I felt like I'd achieved. I felt like the day had taken a social upturn for me, I had coped...
Remember the migraine? Well it took the gap between wedding breakfast and the reception as its opportunity to swim back into my head with an enormous bang.
I lasted until 9pm, and my mum got a mercy plea to pick me up.
I got home, puked, and slept for 12 hours. I thought that I felt better today, but I think I have used up my social battery. I went to my parents to collect my car and was tired within moments.
Right now I'm lying on the couch having been here for hours, typing this slowly to prove to myself that I can.
Did I make a fool of myself? NO
Did I survive? YES
Could I do it again, anytime? NO. I need some time to recover myself I think
In all, it was worth it, I got to witness the wedding of my beautiful friend and share a once in a lifetime day with her. Yes, I will be knackered for a week or more now, but I feel like, just for a day, I was living again.
Thursday 22 May 2014
Coping with the Ups and Downs
So... I'm bipolar... I should just get over it, right, we all have ups and downs...
Yes, I know mood fluctuations are natural, human, 'normal', but it depends on how wide the range they span is.
To me, a 'high' day isn't a case of getting out of bed without snoozing, smiling all day, going for a jog and enjoying a healthy tea. A high day for me involves making life altering decisions such as spending money I don't have, deciding to return to uni to retrain without staring my first career, and doing things that I would ordinarily consider outlandish... Telling people exactly what I think about anything, not caring if it offends anybody...
Conversely, my 'lows', they are horrific... A low day for me is a day where I can't move from the sofa, I wish I would just stop breathing and the thought that I have to live through the same again tomorrow is to much to bear...
I just don't know which end of the spectrum I'm going to be at each day... On days when I'm high nothing matters, I don't believe I'm ill, I go out spending all my money, and miss appointments... The only small restriction I have is that anxiety can still intervene, putting a barrier on my day... Low days I stress about having no money, offending everyone and being a failure as a human...
My mood diary from the psych showed that I have 'OK' days less than 25% of the time, 25% ish high mood and 50% depressive mood... So statistically I spend 25% of my life trying to fix myself, and 75% ballsing everything up :(
I'm hoping that the bipolar diagnosis will open up a support framework to try to stabilise my moods, maybe giving me a bigger proportion of time to fix my life????
sorry this is a bit of a ranty post, feeling a bit trapped today...
Tuesday 20 May 2014
Advocacy
- I struggle to speak on the phone (communication disorder, Aspergers)
- I get so stressed over aspects of life I avoid them (I avoid opening post, I am in massive debt and the stress makes me very ill, it can trigger a depressive phase)
- I struggle with waiting rooms (I avoided my GP for 18 months as I couldn't face the waiting room, making myself more ill in the process)
- I am not very capable completing forms (if they don't follow my train of thought or the questions are not completely relevant it sends me into meltdown)
Monday 19 May 2014
Mental Health Support - the postcode lottery...
This, I thought, would make life a bit easier. I would be able to construct a support network around myself, and hopefully this would enable me to try to find a way forward, a way out of this deep, dark hole I find myself in.
The first thing I should point out is that there are literally thousands of charities based in the UK with an aim to supporting mental health issues. 'That's great', I thought, as surely with this many charities, I would surely find at least one suitable for me...
The things I decided that I may wish to seek assistance with are:
- Advocacy
- Emotional Support
- Financial Support
Sunday 18 May 2014
Mental Health and Employment
- Each time I see my psychiatrist my medicine is changed.
- Each time my medicine is changed it takes 4-6 weeks to know what the difference is going to be.
- Each time a difference is made, it then needs assessing as to how this impacts upon my life.
You can stop expecting that although my contract is 16 hours, I will work 7 day weeks, opening to closing.
Stop asking ‘So?? When are you coming back to work???’. Take it as given that once I’m well enough I shall let you know.
Mental Health issues shouldn't make you unemployable. However, the lack of support from my employer has contributed to my extended and recurrent leave of absence. I have a degree. At present I am too ill to use this degree. However, I am trying my hardest to continue to be in employment.
The sad thing is, it's likely to be a case of leaving employment to spend time making me better. Why should a part time retail job contribute to making my health worse??? I don't get paid enough for that.....
Aspergers and Mental Health
- 1. There seems to be a high prevalence of Mental Health (MH) disorders amongst Aspies.
- 2. People ignore MH issues in Aspie's, as though it is impossible to have both.