But are you REALLY there for me?

My life is full of people, same as most of you out there I imagine.

I have filtered down all of the people in my life using one criteria: 'Would I cry at your funeral?'

For those who fit in the 'no' bracket, it doesn't mean I'd be happy if they died, but it takes a lot for me to cry, so I may just feel sorrow for them.

Those you fit in the 'yes' bracket are those I consider of high importance in my life. Indeed, I would go as far as to say they mean more to me than I mean to me.

Sadly, when they are more important than yourself, you put yourself at the bottom of the list. You don't open up or ask for help, you don't want to burden them; you spend your time wishing, hoping, that they decide to ask you first. You pray that you won't have to get to that horrifically low place again, you want them to intervene before you hit the bottom...

But, for some reason, they never do. 

Then you ask them for help, and they make you feel like they're fed up of helping. They seem to think that all you do is ask for help. Ironically, I probably ask for help only 5-10% of the time I feel I need it. The other 90% of the time I am stuck in mental turmoil. All I want to do is ring and beg for support, but I can't because I know what the reaction will be... This makes me feel worse, meaning I need the help more than ever. 

Why can they never pick up the phone first? Why can they never call in and say 'Here's some food Laura'. Would it hurt to ring on their way home from work to see if I need anything from the shops?? A pint of milk, a loaf of bread?

All of these things would be infinitesimal to them, but to me would mean the world, that somebody could care enough to think of me without begging for their time. 

Maybe I should ask for help 100% of the time I need it, they'd soon realise just how much help I need. I'd feel even more of a failure though :(

I just cannot communicate this to people without seeming ungrateful. I try to write them letters and they don't read the entirety, get to the part where I explain that I need more, then fly off the handle.

The worst part is, I put everybody above myself, so I know that when people are feeling bad I am always trying to keep in touch and support them, so all the support is heading outwards and nothing coming in.

I know this is a pretty self-centred post, but I am trying to vent here rather than try to say something to someone I care for, as they always twist everything.

L x

 

Social Activity Meltdown!!!!!!!!

Sorry I've been missing for a couple of days... I was preparing to attend/attending/recovering from my friends wedding...

I spoke to my psychiatrist about social activities, namely, the fact that I am currently signed off work ill with 'stress-related illness' (for some reason my doctors don't like to put specifics on sick notes). The psych stated that social activities are therapeutic, and as long as I don't go out and act completely irresponsibly it was acceptable for me to attend. It was confirmed to me that the psychiatry team fully support me attending the wedding so long as I was well enough on the day; after all, I am off due to poorly controlled Bipolar Disorder, so some days I am more capable than others.

My psychiatrist said that attending the wedding was a good thing if it were possible for me to get out, so that was my decision made, if I could move from my couch, I was going.

The anxiety attack started 48 hours before the event...

• What if I am not going to be well enough to go?
• What if my clothes don't fit on the day, even though they do now?
• What if I have a panic attack mid ceremony and steal all the attention?
• What if I can't find anyone to fix my eyebrows?
• What if I can't find anyone to dye my hair?
• What if I look awful on the photos and ruin her photographs?
• What if I say something out of line? (I have no brain-to-mouth filter)
• What if I don't like the food and look ridiculous?
• What if I don't like the strangers at our table?
• What if people expect my to do things I feel uncomfortable with?

The list could continue but I reckon you get the point. 

Somehow, I dragged myself through to the day before the wedding, and managed to find a friend to fix my brows, and a sister to fix my hair... two things less on the worry list... NO, I managed to replace them with other worries... What about the weather, what if I get a headache, what if my heartburn kicks off...?

Finally the day arrived, and true to form I was awake STUPIDLY early. I like to have to rush to get ready as it gives me less time to focus upon my anxieties. I tried to go back asleep; NO, not happening. I tried to watch a film to distract me; NO, can't concentrate. I try to ignore the internal battle of 'I want to be just on time; versus 'You need to get ready, or you'll be late'. 

By 10am, my anxieties are sky high. I jump a mile when the postman posts parcels... (happily some sashes I ordered for my other friend's hen night). By 12pm I'm trying for the 10th time to do my hair. I can't make my hair look anything but rubbish, so I'm crying... Happily I haven't done my makeup yet... This is all before I've even got dressed to go...

I was finally good to go, AN HOUR EARLY... I can't deal with waiting around for an hour, I know, I'll go to mums...

Get to my mums, completely forget that there's a massive dog in residence (our family dog, I just forgot that a dog plus tights means potential ladders and lots of fluff)

Before you read the next bit please realise that I am grateful for everything I mention, but the gratitude is tainted by my stupid mental processes:

Then, at the eleventh hour, a change of plan. Instead of me gathering everybody in a taxi, my friend decided she was driving due to the weather. I know, most people would be grateful for saving a bit of cash, but to me it just threw my mental plan. I didn't even think to inform her that I was at mums instead of being at mine. 

Then, she made her own way to the church. I am a creature of habit and had a mental plan of how I would have driven. I resisted my instinct to butt in; she was the driver and I should be grateful for the lift. She parked what I considered to be MILES from the church. (I had the advantage of being familiar with the church, so I have no reason to complain really, and it wasn't that far, probably 400m.)

I battled my mental monologue and got to the church :) We were very early, but not the first there. We greeted the groom and found a space to wait. The ceremony was perfect, a lovely service (I got a bit upset by them using an unorthodox tune to 'All Things Bright and Beautiful, but I got over it), and I was able to access a cup of tea afterwards to take paracetamol for the brewing migraine. I knew straight away that it was a stress migraine, after all, I had had a 48 hour panic attack building up to this ceremony. 

Ceremony over, now to tackle the wedding breakfast on a table with strangers. Luckily, whether planned or otherwise, my friends sat either side of me shielding me from strangers, for which I was grateful. They also understood when I didn't speak for 20 minutes whilst I tried to get a handle on my aching head and waves of nausea. 

Feeling more in control and healthier, I enjoyed the speeches, cutting of the cake and laughing at 'Mr Westlife', the toastmaster who looked and sounded like Louis Walsh would stick him in a boyband. 

I then had to follow the preceding seven tables to visit the buffet. I DON'T really do buffets, you don't know who's been mauling your food, has there been flies on it, has anyone sneezed/coughed/sweated on it??

However, I was feeling both brave and incredibly hungry, so I decided to get a selection and see how it went. I got a curry, rice, chips, chicken stuff, pizza, wedges, sausage rolls... I got LOADS!!! and aside from the rogue peppers and courgettes in the curry, I ate everything!!!

I felt like I'd achieved. I felt like the day had taken a social upturn for me, I had coped...

Remember the migraine? Well it took the gap between wedding breakfast and the reception as its opportunity to swim back into my head with an enormous bang. 

I lasted until 9pm, and my mum got a mercy plea to pick me up.

I got home, puked, and slept for 12 hours. I thought that I felt better today, but I think I have used up my social battery. I went to my parents to collect my car and was tired within moments.

Right now I'm lying on the couch having been here for hours, typing this slowly to prove to myself that I can.

Did I make a fool of myself? NO
Did I survive? YES
Could I do it again, anytime? NO. I need some time to recover myself I think

In all, it was worth it, I got to witness the wedding of my beautiful friend and share a once in a lifetime day with her. Yes, I will be knackered for a week or more now, but I feel like, just for a day, I was living again.

Advocacy

Today I am thinking about advocacy within mental health. 

Not championing awareness of mental health, but actual advocacy, you know, support with financial management, support attending appointments, support getting through life essentially.

I am a 26 year old, single female living in Liverpool. I live near to my family, but not in the family home.

My parents, well they are there for me as much as they can be, but they have their own problems and those of my sister to deal with too. 

Besides my parents, society presumes that I can survive on my own.

Problems I have with independent survival:

• I struggle to speak on the phone (communication disorder, Aspergers)
• I get so stressed over aspects of life I avoid them (I avoid opening post, I am in massive debt and the stress makes me very ill, it can trigger a depressive phase)
• I struggle with waiting rooms (I avoided my GP for 18 months as I couldn't face the waiting room, making myself more ill in the process)
• I am not very capable completing forms (if they don't follow my train of thought or the questions are not completely relevant it sends me into meltdown)

These are just the 'tip of the iceberg' when it comes to problems. I am struggling with day to day existence, but there seems to be no system in place for support.

I feel like I fall outside all of the brackets; I can walk, so I don't need a carer, I can read and write, so I don't need a carer, I have full command over all four limbs, so I don't need a carer....

However, I neglect my personal hygiene, because of lack of motivation/other mental issues... I avoid dealing with my debts as they are too anxiety provoking... I struggle maintaining my house, I spend so long making lists of what to do that I don't do any of it, I can't touch dishes that have been left in the sink, I can't wear gloves due to textural issues... I lack motivation to cook, so either starve or binge (really good recovery for a bulimic don't you think?)

But these issues don't meet with the 'need for support'. I, of course, have the physical ability to turn on a tap to run a bath, so I don't qualify for support...

Why is my mental inability any less of a disability than a physical one. The end result is that neither myself or a physically incapable person would be able to achieve the end result, but the lack of willingness to support suggests that they think that I am choosing not to be able to do these things.

I intend to continue self-advocating to the best of my abilities, but I feel on the cusp of admitting defeat, turning up at the psychological hospital and requesting admission... It may be the only way to get some intense support.

Mental Health and Employment

Mental health in the workplace… 

need I say any more??? What a catastrophe it is!

I have been off work for three extended periods in the last three years. Each time has been due to a breakdown of my mental health. Occasionally, a physical health issue has cropped up whilst I’ve been off too, but on the whole it’s all about my messed up brain.

The first two times I was treated ambivalently. Work showed no interest in my health. They got in touch every time sick note was nearly due up asking ‘Are you returning to work this time or what?’ No hint of concern as to whether I was actually recovering, but just a concern that they were one body down when it came to planning the rota.

This changes when I am finally signed as fit to work. The first time I go in to see them to arrange my return to work it’s as though they’ve been very concerned about me. They state that they have a variety of strategies to help me.  This starts well (phased return to work, but using my holiday entitlement), but within days has fizzled away.

The epitome of support I received from my workplace was: They placed my job description in front of me and asked me to tick any criteria that I may struggle with in my job. This was then taken, filed and never spoken of again. A mention of occupational health was bandied about, but nothing constructive.

The cycle then started again; my batteries are recharged, I cope for a while. Then cracks appear; I can’t cope with the hours being worked, I can’t cope with customers moaning about trivial nonsense, I get anxious about speaking with customers,  I get anxious about even getting ready for work…

And now??

So, at the moment I am off work long term sick. Fortunately I now have a new manager who seems to be more interested in supporting me. He has been in touch regularly, just with a text asking ‘Are you ok, feeling any better, any news from the psychiatrist?’ etc.

Ok, I know that he is getting pressure from above, ‘Make sure you find out when she is returning to work.’ ‘Get her to come in for a progress meeting’ but I genuinely believe that he has my best interests, if not at heart, then in consideration.

When I went for the progress meeting, it was illuminating. Every question on the form was practically unanswerable in regards to mental health. Some examples are:

‘When will you be well enough to return to work?’

Well, if I had a broken leg, I could probably give a timescale. 

If I had pneumonia I could probably give you an idea based upon the antibiotics I have left. 

With mental health, how am I supposed to have an idea for myself, never mind one to document officially??

• Each time I see my psychiatrist my medicine is changed. 
• Each time my medicine is changed it takes 4-6 weeks to know what the difference is going to be. 
• Each time a difference is made, it then needs assessing as to how this impacts upon my life.

Also, I have Bipolar disorder. Some days I am so high that I feel so well, I can’t possibly be ill. On a day like that I am more than well enough to work, although I may take some risks. However the next day I could be incapable of getting out of bed. Whilst my mood is so wildly fluctuating, how am I supposed to know when I’ll be well enough to commit to working.

What can we do to help?

Well, you can stop making me feel bad for being unable to sell insurance to every customer. I work in an area where most people don’t insure their car, which is a legal requirement. If they won’t pay compulsory car insurance, how am I to convince them to pay optional insurance on a mobile phone?? And when I don’t manage to pull off a miracle, you threaten my job.

You can make it so my job is that, a job. A PART TIME RETAIL JOB. I am sick to death of taking work home with me; stress over missing targets haunts my sleep. In a career such as teaching or medicine, you’d expect to take the job home with you… selling mobile phones part time, well frankly that should be left at the door.

You can stop expecting that although my contract is 16 hours, I will work 7 day weeks, opening to closing.

You can make reasonable adjustments to the workplace. In our south-facing, glass walled shop you can apply window tints, so as I face a chance of making it through the day without acquiring a migraine. You can provide maintenance to sort out the kitchen. It is dirty as hell, full of insect life and has a toilet in the middle of it, and provokes my anxiety to the point where I barely eat and drink (excellent for a recovering bulimic, providing an excuse to avoid eating).

You can reconsider your actions after my last absence. I was off with a mental breakdown and midway through had to have a lifesaving operation leaving me without most of my abdomen. You decided that this was worthy of a ‘first written warning’ of absence. This is discrimination at its highest level. Discipline those off sporadically with a hangover/convenient headache by all means, but when someone is genuinely ill don’t treat them like a naughty employee who should have been in work regardless of the situation.

You can fulfil the promise made after my first absence, and actually get me help from occupational health. Maybe they can facilitate a way for me to work. Otherwise, I can sense that I will be made unemployed, and how is a girl with a sickness record like mine ever going to find employment again.

Stop asking ‘So?? When are you coming back to work???’. Take it as given that once I’m well enough I shall let you know. 

So what next??

Each and every person you employ comes with a 25% risk of becoming a mental health sufferer. In today's society where there is ever increasing awareness of mental health issues, surely this should be travelling up the hierarchy. 

Mental Health issues shouldn't make you unemployable. However, the lack of support from my employer has contributed to my extended and recurrent leave of absence. I have a degree. At present I am too ill to use this degree. However, I am trying my hardest to continue to be in employment.

The sad thing is, it's likely to be a case of leaving employment to spend time making me better. Why should a part time retail job contribute to making my health worse??? I don't get paid enough for that.....

Stop the Stigma

Today I read an alarming statistic:

If you add up all the people in the UK suffering from: 

• asthma
• diabetes
• kidney disease
• breast cancer, and
• prostate cancer

then you get a number notably fewer than those in the UK who suffer with a mental health illness.

How is it, then, that mental health is more common than these 'common' ailments, but is treated like such a taboo subject?

It is obvious that there must be a large crossover, and many of those suffering with, for example, diabetes may also have a mental health disorder. This could either be triggered by, or separate from, their physical condition.

Answer me this, if someone with diabetes says, 

'Oh, my blood sugar is low' 

do you think/say:

1. 'It's you own fault', 
2. 'Maybe if you smiled a bit more, your sugars wouldn't act up', or 
3. 'Have you any glucose tablets you can take? Is there anything I can do?'

Chances are that you'd think/say the last option. After all, why would they want their blood sugar to be wrong? If a smile fixed it, wouldn't they walk around like the 'Colgate' man to keep themselves on the straight and narrow.

Now, consider that this diabetic is suffering from clinical depression: not 'I'm a bit fed up today', but full on immobilising, inhibiting, devastating depression. 

Now let's revisit the questions; 

If someone with diabetes and depression says, 

'Oh, my mood is low' 

do you think/say: 

1. 'It's you own fault', 
2. 'Maybe if you smiled a bit more your mood wouldn't act up'... or 
3. 'Have you taken your medication? Is there anything I can do?'

The statement and responses are almost identical, but in my experience, peoples' reactions flip almost to the polar opposite.

Suddenly, the illness becomes a direct result of the sufferers actions. There is a presumption that if only they'd smile then, hey presto!, they'd be well again! 

And as for 'It's your own fault', would you say that to a breast cancer sufferer?? 'It's your own fault, as you have breasts'... 'Maybe if you just smiled the tumours will shrivel and die'... 

NO YOU WOULD NOT, you would know that this opinion is, to put it politely, codswallop...

What gives anyone the right to judge someone with a mental health issue as having caused their own illness...

The woman with anxiety, caused by years of social oppression and isolation, did she bring it all on herself??

The girl with post-traumatic stress disorder, caused by being raped, was it her fault???

The lady with bulimia, caused by constant bullying, is it her fault???

You know her, the one with bipolar disorder, caused by a chemical problem in her brain, did she change the chemicals???

That woman with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder, did she choose for her brain to be wired differently???

No, no, no, NO!!!!!!!!!!

A sufferer of a mental health issue has been stricken by it just as much as anybody with a physical ailment.

It seems to me that the only difference between a physical or mental impairment is how the sufferers are treated by society.

Society decided long ago that just because you can't see an illness, it mustn't exist. This is a bit rich coming from a society dictated by beliefs in a supreme being. You know, a god, that you can't see... 

Maybe this is the answer. Preach all you can about your mental health issues; tell anybody who will listen, and anybody who won't too! Don't let society convince you that you should be ashamed, and NEVER apologise for your illness.

Sorry this became a bit of a soapbox rant, but I stand by everything I said... And by the way, the descriptions of sufferers earlier (in green).... They are all me...

My latest obsession!!!!

I've been through many an obsession in my time... the Royal family, F1 motor racing, history of the Olympics... the list goes on...

These are all in what I call 'factfiles' on my computer... basically tabulated data stored in massive Excel documents for my joy and perusal...

My latest obsession is, for once, a practical one... UPCYCLING!!!!

I started looking into upcycling when I became very strapped for cash... so I started watching SuperScrimpers on Channel 4... then how my obsession blossomed!!!

It started with learning to knit... I decided that a distraction for me when I'm having a meltdown is to knit... If I make a scarf a month I either have 12 christmas presents ready to deliver, or a charity has scarves to sell...

It's now moved on... I found myself a couple of weeks ago strolling down the wallpaper aisle in B&M, taking a LARGE sample from each of the sample rolls...

I then went to a local charity shop that I visit weekly, and did some haggling... I noticed that they had been struggling to sell a set of 'Disney's Cars' canvases - they'd been there for weeks, and right over the christmas period too... The three were meant to be £1.99 each... but with a bit of haggling and an awkward smile I managed to buy all three for £1!!!!!! Bargain!!!! Well, except they were for children, and pretty tatty...

Roll on the wallpaper!!!!! I took some free wallpaper samples, some PVA glue I had in, my stapler, and set to work!!!!!

After some 'cut and stick' action (I am a primary school teacher after all!!!) I ended up with these...

I'm sure you'll agree,  a much more chic look for a 26 year old's bedroom!!!!!

So for a grand total of £1 plus 15 minutes of effort, I have three good sized canvases for my bedroom which I priced up to buy new (obviously not the same as mine, they're unique!!!) at £15!!!! A whopping £14 saving, much better in my pocket than in that of some big corporation...

So there you have it, the first stages of my latest obsession...

Hopefully this one sticks around, I'll save a fortune!!!!!!

Aspergian Meltdowns

'Flying off the Handle'

As mentioned in my previous posts, today I thought I would talk about 'Meltdowns'. As you might imagine, these are a part of Aspergers which can be  the hardest to hide; the part of Aspergers which labels us as difficult, rude and irrational.

It's therefore quite ironic that I have titled this piece 'Flying off the Handle', although of course very deliberate. That is because my biggest source of stress in social situations is misunderstanding, which, in turn, causes me to melt down.

Flying off the handle is an example of figurative language; that is, phrases which don't mean what the literal definitions would suggest. 

More information about figurative language and Aspergers can be found at https://asdhelp.wordpress.com/tag/literal-and-figurative-language/ and http://www.specialed.us/autism/asper/asper12.html.

Back to the focus of this blog post; meltdowns.

A meltdown in and Aspie is comparable, I suppose, to a temper tantrum in a small child. Through reading, I am led to believe that these likenesses are why the general public seem to find the Aspie meltdown as a 'nuisance' or as 'childish'. There are many key differences between a true meltdown and a tantrum though, and understanding these differences is a starting point to understanding the mentality of an Aspie.

Please allow me to copy and paste here some information regarding an Aspie meltdown; they put the issues into words much more clearly than me...

*  Meltdowns are neurological, not emotional.  They are a product of the different configurations in the AS brain and the hyper-sensitive AS nerves.

*  Meltdowns are a sign that an AS person is over-whelmed.

*  Meltdowns are not temper tantrums.  They are not triggered by anger and are not indicative of someone not getting their way.

*  Meltdowns are not anxiety attacks.  However, anxiety is a contributing factor leading up to a meltdown.

*  Meltdowns are manageable before they’ve broken.  There are warning signs leading up to a meltdown, both internal to the AS person and external, visible to others.  Paying attention to these signs is key to preventing a meltdown.

*  Meltdowns are not controllable.  Once a meltdown is triggered, trying to stop it is like trying to tell the weather where to rain.  Conventional anger management and calming techniques will not work when a meltdown is under way.

*  A person having a meltdown is overwhelmed. 

*  A person having a meltdown is not over-reacting.

*  A person having a meltdown does need to remove themselves from the overwhelming environment and get to some place calmer.

*  A person having a meltdown does not need to ‘buck up’ and push themselves through it.

*  A person having a meltdown is horribly embarrassed by it, far more so than any onlooker is.

*  A person having a meltdown is unlikely to become violent or a threat to others, as long as they are not provoked.  Remember, they are in a heightened state of fight-or-flight and may perceive many actions by others as threats to themselves.

In short, a meltdown is an uncontrollable 'fit of rage', which, once under way is impossible to bring to an end, it must continue. 

Now a personal plea from me;

If your Aspie is having meltdowns, please make the effort to learn any warning behaviours that they may display, such as exasperation or confusion, and upon noticing these make it easy for them to escape the stressful situation. By doing this you are providing them the opportunity to avoid the humiliation they would feel by having a public meltdown, such as happened to me in work the other day. It has taken a very public meltdown for my employers to realise just how differently I respond to what they consider to be 'everyday' stresses.

I pretty much guarantee that your Aspie doesn't mean it, and will be mortally embarrassed by their outburst once they have calmed down.

L x