Social Activity Meltdown!!!!!!!!

Sorry I've been missing for a couple of days... I was preparing to attend/attending/recovering from my friends wedding...

I spoke to my psychiatrist about social activities, namely, the fact that I am currently signed off work ill with 'stress-related illness' (for some reason my doctors don't like to put specifics on sick notes). The psych stated that social activities are therapeutic, and as long as I don't go out and act completely irresponsibly it was acceptable for me to attend. It was confirmed to me that the psychiatry team fully support me attending the wedding so long as I was well enough on the day; after all, I am off due to poorly controlled Bipolar Disorder, so some days I am more capable than others.

My psychiatrist said that attending the wedding was a good thing if it were possible for me to get out, so that was my decision made, if I could move from my couch, I was going.

The anxiety attack started 48 hours before the event...

• What if I am not going to be well enough to go?
• What if my clothes don't fit on the day, even though they do now?
• What if I have a panic attack mid ceremony and steal all the attention?
• What if I can't find anyone to fix my eyebrows?
• What if I can't find anyone to dye my hair?
• What if I look awful on the photos and ruin her photographs?
• What if I say something out of line? (I have no brain-to-mouth filter)
• What if I don't like the food and look ridiculous?
• What if I don't like the strangers at our table?
• What if people expect my to do things I feel uncomfortable with?

The list could continue but I reckon you get the point. 

Somehow, I dragged myself through to the day before the wedding, and managed to find a friend to fix my brows, and a sister to fix my hair... two things less on the worry list... NO, I managed to replace them with other worries... What about the weather, what if I get a headache, what if my heartburn kicks off...?

Finally the day arrived, and true to form I was awake STUPIDLY early. I like to have to rush to get ready as it gives me less time to focus upon my anxieties. I tried to go back asleep; NO, not happening. I tried to watch a film to distract me; NO, can't concentrate. I try to ignore the internal battle of 'I want to be just on time; versus 'You need to get ready, or you'll be late'. 

By 10am, my anxieties are sky high. I jump a mile when the postman posts parcels... (happily some sashes I ordered for my other friend's hen night). By 12pm I'm trying for the 10th time to do my hair. I can't make my hair look anything but rubbish, so I'm crying... Happily I haven't done my makeup yet... This is all before I've even got dressed to go...

I was finally good to go, AN HOUR EARLY... I can't deal with waiting around for an hour, I know, I'll go to mums...

Get to my mums, completely forget that there's a massive dog in residence (our family dog, I just forgot that a dog plus tights means potential ladders and lots of fluff)

Before you read the next bit please realise that I am grateful for everything I mention, but the gratitude is tainted by my stupid mental processes:

Then, at the eleventh hour, a change of plan. Instead of me gathering everybody in a taxi, my friend decided she was driving due to the weather. I know, most people would be grateful for saving a bit of cash, but to me it just threw my mental plan. I didn't even think to inform her that I was at mums instead of being at mine. 

Then, she made her own way to the church. I am a creature of habit and had a mental plan of how I would have driven. I resisted my instinct to butt in; she was the driver and I should be grateful for the lift. She parked what I considered to be MILES from the church. (I had the advantage of being familiar with the church, so I have no reason to complain really, and it wasn't that far, probably 400m.)

I battled my mental monologue and got to the church :) We were very early, but not the first there. We greeted the groom and found a space to wait. The ceremony was perfect, a lovely service (I got a bit upset by them using an unorthodox tune to 'All Things Bright and Beautiful, but I got over it), and I was able to access a cup of tea afterwards to take paracetamol for the brewing migraine. I knew straight away that it was a stress migraine, after all, I had had a 48 hour panic attack building up to this ceremony. 

Ceremony over, now to tackle the wedding breakfast on a table with strangers. Luckily, whether planned or otherwise, my friends sat either side of me shielding me from strangers, for which I was grateful. They also understood when I didn't speak for 20 minutes whilst I tried to get a handle on my aching head and waves of nausea. 

Feeling more in control and healthier, I enjoyed the speeches, cutting of the cake and laughing at 'Mr Westlife', the toastmaster who looked and sounded like Louis Walsh would stick him in a boyband. 

I then had to follow the preceding seven tables to visit the buffet. I DON'T really do buffets, you don't know who's been mauling your food, has there been flies on it, has anyone sneezed/coughed/sweated on it??

However, I was feeling both brave and incredibly hungry, so I decided to get a selection and see how it went. I got a curry, rice, chips, chicken stuff, pizza, wedges, sausage rolls... I got LOADS!!! and aside from the rogue peppers and courgettes in the curry, I ate everything!!!

I felt like I'd achieved. I felt like the day had taken a social upturn for me, I had coped...

Remember the migraine? Well it took the gap between wedding breakfast and the reception as its opportunity to swim back into my head with an enormous bang. 

I lasted until 9pm, and my mum got a mercy plea to pick me up.

I got home, puked, and slept for 12 hours. I thought that I felt better today, but I think I have used up my social battery. I went to my parents to collect my car and was tired within moments.

Right now I'm lying on the couch having been here for hours, typing this slowly to prove to myself that I can.

Did I make a fool of myself? NO
Did I survive? YES
Could I do it again, anytime? NO. I need some time to recover myself I think

In all, it was worth it, I got to witness the wedding of my beautiful friend and share a once in a lifetime day with her. Yes, I will be knackered for a week or more now, but I feel like, just for a day, I was living again.

Mental Health and Employment

Mental health in the workplace… 

need I say any more??? What a catastrophe it is!

I have been off work for three extended periods in the last three years. Each time has been due to a breakdown of my mental health. Occasionally, a physical health issue has cropped up whilst I’ve been off too, but on the whole it’s all about my messed up brain.

The first two times I was treated ambivalently. Work showed no interest in my health. They got in touch every time sick note was nearly due up asking ‘Are you returning to work this time or what?’ No hint of concern as to whether I was actually recovering, but just a concern that they were one body down when it came to planning the rota.

This changes when I am finally signed as fit to work. The first time I go in to see them to arrange my return to work it’s as though they’ve been very concerned about me. They state that they have a variety of strategies to help me.  This starts well (phased return to work, but using my holiday entitlement), but within days has fizzled away.

The epitome of support I received from my workplace was: They placed my job description in front of me and asked me to tick any criteria that I may struggle with in my job. This was then taken, filed and never spoken of again. A mention of occupational health was bandied about, but nothing constructive.

The cycle then started again; my batteries are recharged, I cope for a while. Then cracks appear; I can’t cope with the hours being worked, I can’t cope with customers moaning about trivial nonsense, I get anxious about speaking with customers,  I get anxious about even getting ready for work…

And now??

So, at the moment I am off work long term sick. Fortunately I now have a new manager who seems to be more interested in supporting me. He has been in touch regularly, just with a text asking ‘Are you ok, feeling any better, any news from the psychiatrist?’ etc.

Ok, I know that he is getting pressure from above, ‘Make sure you find out when she is returning to work.’ ‘Get her to come in for a progress meeting’ but I genuinely believe that he has my best interests, if not at heart, then in consideration.

When I went for the progress meeting, it was illuminating. Every question on the form was practically unanswerable in regards to mental health. Some examples are:

‘When will you be well enough to return to work?’

Well, if I had a broken leg, I could probably give a timescale. 

If I had pneumonia I could probably give you an idea based upon the antibiotics I have left. 

With mental health, how am I supposed to have an idea for myself, never mind one to document officially??

• Each time I see my psychiatrist my medicine is changed. 
• Each time my medicine is changed it takes 4-6 weeks to know what the difference is going to be. 
• Each time a difference is made, it then needs assessing as to how this impacts upon my life.

Also, I have Bipolar disorder. Some days I am so high that I feel so well, I can’t possibly be ill. On a day like that I am more than well enough to work, although I may take some risks. However the next day I could be incapable of getting out of bed. Whilst my mood is so wildly fluctuating, how am I supposed to know when I’ll be well enough to commit to working.

What can we do to help?

Well, you can stop making me feel bad for being unable to sell insurance to every customer. I work in an area where most people don’t insure their car, which is a legal requirement. If they won’t pay compulsory car insurance, how am I to convince them to pay optional insurance on a mobile phone?? And when I don’t manage to pull off a miracle, you threaten my job.

You can make it so my job is that, a job. A PART TIME RETAIL JOB. I am sick to death of taking work home with me; stress over missing targets haunts my sleep. In a career such as teaching or medicine, you’d expect to take the job home with you… selling mobile phones part time, well frankly that should be left at the door.

You can stop expecting that although my contract is 16 hours, I will work 7 day weeks, opening to closing.

You can make reasonable adjustments to the workplace. In our south-facing, glass walled shop you can apply window tints, so as I face a chance of making it through the day without acquiring a migraine. You can provide maintenance to sort out the kitchen. It is dirty as hell, full of insect life and has a toilet in the middle of it, and provokes my anxiety to the point where I barely eat and drink (excellent for a recovering bulimic, providing an excuse to avoid eating).

You can reconsider your actions after my last absence. I was off with a mental breakdown and midway through had to have a lifesaving operation leaving me without most of my abdomen. You decided that this was worthy of a ‘first written warning’ of absence. This is discrimination at its highest level. Discipline those off sporadically with a hangover/convenient headache by all means, but when someone is genuinely ill don’t treat them like a naughty employee who should have been in work regardless of the situation.

You can fulfil the promise made after my first absence, and actually get me help from occupational health. Maybe they can facilitate a way for me to work. Otherwise, I can sense that I will be made unemployed, and how is a girl with a sickness record like mine ever going to find employment again.

Stop asking ‘So?? When are you coming back to work???’. Take it as given that once I’m well enough I shall let you know. 

So what next??

Each and every person you employ comes with a 25% risk of becoming a mental health sufferer. In today's society where there is ever increasing awareness of mental health issues, surely this should be travelling up the hierarchy. 

Mental Health issues shouldn't make you unemployable. However, the lack of support from my employer has contributed to my extended and recurrent leave of absence. I have a degree. At present I am too ill to use this degree. However, I am trying my hardest to continue to be in employment.

The sad thing is, it's likely to be a case of leaving employment to spend time making me better. Why should a part time retail job contribute to making my health worse??? I don't get paid enough for that.....

Aspergers and mental health disorders....

I've been doing some social networking (mostly Facebook) and I've joined some groups for Aspies...

Finally I feel I have contact with some people who understand me, and have similar 'quirks' to me. 

It got me thinking though, that the more Aspies I experience, the more I see a direct link between Aspies and other mental health disorders.

On a personal note, I have a few mental health issues...

• ?Bipolar disorder - My psychiatrist is currently diagnosing me with this, they have decided I have a type of bipolar disorder, but not which variant I have yet.
• Depression - I have held this diagnosis for about 6 years, but it may become replaced by bipolar diagnosis once it is settled upon.
• Bulimia Nervosa - I have had daily food struggles for as long as I can remember. This has been compounded by my Aspie textural issues... If I had been able to binge on onions and lettuce I may have avoided the weight gain, hence avoiding the vicious cycle of Bulimia. 
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - I'm not your average 'I must clean everywhere' OCD sufferer. My Obsessions revolve around perfectionism and catastrophising. I will spend 48 hours making a list to do, and no time doing. I can't make do without the list, because if I do something in the wrong order I will have horrendous thoughts of the consequences of missing something (ie, something will happen to a family member). I also catastrophise a lot... During my last meltdown, my mum took me for a drive and to my favourite chip shop for a treat. She left me in the car to go to the chip shop for me, and I spent the entire time locking the car doors in case somebody tried to get in the car, I spent the entire time (probably just 5 minutes, but it felt much longer) convinced that she was going to get run over crossing the road, and it would be all my fault for being unwell and wanting that particular chippy and being the reason my mum was out of the house.
• Anxiety - self explanatory really...

I have other issues too, but not that I believe to be linked to Aspergers...

This has become a bit of  a one way rant about my issues, but I the more that I speak to other Aspies the more I see that there seems to be a high proportion of other Aspies with similar issues... I wonder if we meet the 1 in 4 statistic?? It feels like 3 in 4 Aspies from my experience... I wonder if, with this seeming prevelance, anybody is researching why this may be???