But are you REALLY there for me?

My life is full of people, same as most of you out there I imagine.

I have filtered down all of the people in my life using one criteria: 'Would I cry at your funeral?'

For those who fit in the 'no' bracket, it doesn't mean I'd be happy if they died, but it takes a lot for me to cry, so I may just feel sorrow for them.

Those you fit in the 'yes' bracket are those I consider of high importance in my life. Indeed, I would go as far as to say they mean more to me than I mean to me.

Sadly, when they are more important than yourself, you put yourself at the bottom of the list. You don't open up or ask for help, you don't want to burden them; you spend your time wishing, hoping, that they decide to ask you first. You pray that you won't have to get to that horrifically low place again, you want them to intervene before you hit the bottom...

But, for some reason, they never do. 

Then you ask them for help, and they make you feel like they're fed up of helping. They seem to think that all you do is ask for help. Ironically, I probably ask for help only 5-10% of the time I feel I need it. The other 90% of the time I am stuck in mental turmoil. All I want to do is ring and beg for support, but I can't because I know what the reaction will be... This makes me feel worse, meaning I need the help more than ever. 

Why can they never pick up the phone first? Why can they never call in and say 'Here's some food Laura'. Would it hurt to ring on their way home from work to see if I need anything from the shops?? A pint of milk, a loaf of bread?

All of these things would be infinitesimal to them, but to me would mean the world, that somebody could care enough to think of me without begging for their time. 

Maybe I should ask for help 100% of the time I need it, they'd soon realise just how much help I need. I'd feel even more of a failure though :(

I just cannot communicate this to people without seeming ungrateful. I try to write them letters and they don't read the entirety, get to the part where I explain that I need more, then fly off the handle.

The worst part is, I put everybody above myself, so I know that when people are feeling bad I am always trying to keep in touch and support them, so all the support is heading outwards and nothing coming in.

I know this is a pretty self-centred post, but I am trying to vent here rather than try to say something to someone I care for, as they always twist everything.

L x

 

Mental Health and Employment

Mental health in the workplace… 

need I say any more??? What a catastrophe it is!

I have been off work for three extended periods in the last three years. Each time has been due to a breakdown of my mental health. Occasionally, a physical health issue has cropped up whilst I’ve been off too, but on the whole it’s all about my messed up brain.

The first two times I was treated ambivalently. Work showed no interest in my health. They got in touch every time sick note was nearly due up asking ‘Are you returning to work this time or what?’ No hint of concern as to whether I was actually recovering, but just a concern that they were one body down when it came to planning the rota.

This changes when I am finally signed as fit to work. The first time I go in to see them to arrange my return to work it’s as though they’ve been very concerned about me. They state that they have a variety of strategies to help me.  This starts well (phased return to work, but using my holiday entitlement), but within days has fizzled away.

The epitome of support I received from my workplace was: They placed my job description in front of me and asked me to tick any criteria that I may struggle with in my job. This was then taken, filed and never spoken of again. A mention of occupational health was bandied about, but nothing constructive.

The cycle then started again; my batteries are recharged, I cope for a while. Then cracks appear; I can’t cope with the hours being worked, I can’t cope with customers moaning about trivial nonsense, I get anxious about speaking with customers,  I get anxious about even getting ready for work…

And now??

So, at the moment I am off work long term sick. Fortunately I now have a new manager who seems to be more interested in supporting me. He has been in touch regularly, just with a text asking ‘Are you ok, feeling any better, any news from the psychiatrist?’ etc.

Ok, I know that he is getting pressure from above, ‘Make sure you find out when she is returning to work.’ ‘Get her to come in for a progress meeting’ but I genuinely believe that he has my best interests, if not at heart, then in consideration.

When I went for the progress meeting, it was illuminating. Every question on the form was practically unanswerable in regards to mental health. Some examples are:

‘When will you be well enough to return to work?’

Well, if I had a broken leg, I could probably give a timescale. 

If I had pneumonia I could probably give you an idea based upon the antibiotics I have left. 

With mental health, how am I supposed to have an idea for myself, never mind one to document officially??

• Each time I see my psychiatrist my medicine is changed. 
• Each time my medicine is changed it takes 4-6 weeks to know what the difference is going to be. 
• Each time a difference is made, it then needs assessing as to how this impacts upon my life.

Also, I have Bipolar disorder. Some days I am so high that I feel so well, I can’t possibly be ill. On a day like that I am more than well enough to work, although I may take some risks. However the next day I could be incapable of getting out of bed. Whilst my mood is so wildly fluctuating, how am I supposed to know when I’ll be well enough to commit to working.

What can we do to help?

Well, you can stop making me feel bad for being unable to sell insurance to every customer. I work in an area where most people don’t insure their car, which is a legal requirement. If they won’t pay compulsory car insurance, how am I to convince them to pay optional insurance on a mobile phone?? And when I don’t manage to pull off a miracle, you threaten my job.

You can make it so my job is that, a job. A PART TIME RETAIL JOB. I am sick to death of taking work home with me; stress over missing targets haunts my sleep. In a career such as teaching or medicine, you’d expect to take the job home with you… selling mobile phones part time, well frankly that should be left at the door.

You can stop expecting that although my contract is 16 hours, I will work 7 day weeks, opening to closing.

You can make reasonable adjustments to the workplace. In our south-facing, glass walled shop you can apply window tints, so as I face a chance of making it through the day without acquiring a migraine. You can provide maintenance to sort out the kitchen. It is dirty as hell, full of insect life and has a toilet in the middle of it, and provokes my anxiety to the point where I barely eat and drink (excellent for a recovering bulimic, providing an excuse to avoid eating).

You can reconsider your actions after my last absence. I was off with a mental breakdown and midway through had to have a lifesaving operation leaving me without most of my abdomen. You decided that this was worthy of a ‘first written warning’ of absence. This is discrimination at its highest level. Discipline those off sporadically with a hangover/convenient headache by all means, but when someone is genuinely ill don’t treat them like a naughty employee who should have been in work regardless of the situation.

You can fulfil the promise made after my first absence, and actually get me help from occupational health. Maybe they can facilitate a way for me to work. Otherwise, I can sense that I will be made unemployed, and how is a girl with a sickness record like mine ever going to find employment again.

Stop asking ‘So?? When are you coming back to work???’. Take it as given that once I’m well enough I shall let you know. 

So what next??

Each and every person you employ comes with a 25% risk of becoming a mental health sufferer. In today's society where there is ever increasing awareness of mental health issues, surely this should be travelling up the hierarchy. 

Mental Health issues shouldn't make you unemployable. However, the lack of support from my employer has contributed to my extended and recurrent leave of absence. I have a degree. At present I am too ill to use this degree. However, I am trying my hardest to continue to be in employment.

The sad thing is, it's likely to be a case of leaving employment to spend time making me better. Why should a part time retail job contribute to making my health worse??? I don't get paid enough for that.....

Aspergian Meltdowns

'Flying off the Handle'

As mentioned in my previous posts, today I thought I would talk about 'Meltdowns'. As you might imagine, these are a part of Aspergers which can be  the hardest to hide; the part of Aspergers which labels us as difficult, rude and irrational.

It's therefore quite ironic that I have titled this piece 'Flying off the Handle', although of course very deliberate. That is because my biggest source of stress in social situations is misunderstanding, which, in turn, causes me to melt down.

Flying off the handle is an example of figurative language; that is, phrases which don't mean what the literal definitions would suggest. 

More information about figurative language and Aspergers can be found at https://asdhelp.wordpress.com/tag/literal-and-figurative-language/ and http://www.specialed.us/autism/asper/asper12.html.

Back to the focus of this blog post; meltdowns.

A meltdown in and Aspie is comparable, I suppose, to a temper tantrum in a small child. Through reading, I am led to believe that these likenesses are why the general public seem to find the Aspie meltdown as a 'nuisance' or as 'childish'. There are many key differences between a true meltdown and a tantrum though, and understanding these differences is a starting point to understanding the mentality of an Aspie.

Please allow me to copy and paste here some information regarding an Aspie meltdown; they put the issues into words much more clearly than me...

*  Meltdowns are neurological, not emotional.  They are a product of the different configurations in the AS brain and the hyper-sensitive AS nerves.

*  Meltdowns are a sign that an AS person is over-whelmed.

*  Meltdowns are not temper tantrums.  They are not triggered by anger and are not indicative of someone not getting their way.

*  Meltdowns are not anxiety attacks.  However, anxiety is a contributing factor leading up to a meltdown.

*  Meltdowns are manageable before they’ve broken.  There are warning signs leading up to a meltdown, both internal to the AS person and external, visible to others.  Paying attention to these signs is key to preventing a meltdown.

*  Meltdowns are not controllable.  Once a meltdown is triggered, trying to stop it is like trying to tell the weather where to rain.  Conventional anger management and calming techniques will not work when a meltdown is under way.

*  A person having a meltdown is overwhelmed. 

*  A person having a meltdown is not over-reacting.

*  A person having a meltdown does need to remove themselves from the overwhelming environment and get to some place calmer.

*  A person having a meltdown does not need to ‘buck up’ and push themselves through it.

*  A person having a meltdown is horribly embarrassed by it, far more so than any onlooker is.

*  A person having a meltdown is unlikely to become violent or a threat to others, as long as they are not provoked.  Remember, they are in a heightened state of fight-or-flight and may perceive many actions by others as threats to themselves.

In short, a meltdown is an uncontrollable 'fit of rage', which, once under way is impossible to bring to an end, it must continue. 

Now a personal plea from me;

If your Aspie is having meltdowns, please make the effort to learn any warning behaviours that they may display, such as exasperation or confusion, and upon noticing these make it easy for them to escape the stressful situation. By doing this you are providing them the opportunity to avoid the humiliation they would feel by having a public meltdown, such as happened to me in work the other day. It has taken a very public meltdown for my employers to realise just how differently I respond to what they consider to be 'everyday' stresses.

I pretty much guarantee that your Aspie doesn't mean it, and will be mortally embarrassed by their outburst once they have calmed down.

L x

Girls with Aspergers

AsperGirls!!!

This post is going to look at Girls with Aspergers. Sorry boys but I think you all get enough attention. The reason in my view that 4x more boys are diagnosed that girls is that the female characteristics differ to male, yet both use the same set of diagnostic tools, based upon the male characteristics.

Hopefully by the end of this post you will understand female ASD, and how whilst we seem to differ from the boys, we have the same issues, they just present differently.

I am going to use this table as a frame of reference and structure throughout this post. Obviously I'm not a professional, so most of the references will refer to me, as I am the main source of information I've got :)

Appearance/Personal Habits.

Many people have said to me 'You don't look like an Aspie'. That has always struck me as a bizarre comment; I have Aspergers, therefore I am exactly what an Aspie looks like!!! 

Those who know me will know, I do not wear things which are uncomfortable. If clothes are not necessary then I'll be at home in comfy pyjamas... I only bother with hair and makeup for special occasions too - it's just too much of a faff to do on an everyday basis. 

For boys, they tend to wear comfy clothes as a rule, so this may not be noticed as much in males.

I don't follow fashion at all, I wear what suits me and what is comfortable - I don't suffer discomfort at all.

In respect of the 'youthful appearance' I suppose my lack of 'dressing up' can make me look a bit younger - sometimes I get asked for ID for alcohol in the supermarket when I'm almost 25 - but not very often.

I definitely think the 'well-balanced animus' refers to me. I am a girl, I am confidently a girl, but I am not 'girly'. That is, whilst I know from magazines that girls are into fashion, hair and beauty, and socialising, I prefer to watch programs about cars, motor sport and I am often accepted as 'one of the lads'. However, I am a heterosexual girl, I just feel balanced.

I am very good at blending in, it is one of my worst faults. I find myself agreeing with people to fit in socially, or adjusting my accent so as to fit in with the crowd. I admit that after diagnosis I can recognise this in myself, whereas before I was diagnosed I would have argued that I had a personality. I now know who I am, but I know that only a small number of people know the true 'me'. 

I love nothing better than watching films intently. I like to escape into a faux-reality. Whilst I'm watching a film I'm not worrying about anything else in the world. I now try to watch a variety of different films, but I often revert to my childhood pattern of watching the same film numerous times back to back. I used to watch a tape to the end, rewind it and press play straight away!!

I like to have control over anything I'm doing, and if somebody interferes and breaks my train of thought I cannot start again and I have to abandon the project. Today I watched the F1, and Kimi Raikkonen summed up this feeling perfectly; 'Leave me alone, I know what I'm doing!' In short, if you want me to do something leave me to it; if you want it done your way, do it yourself!

I love nothing more than to be at home. If I didn't need money I could happily be at home all day every day. People say 'I need to work, I get bored'. This baffles me; my brain is always puzzling over something, I don't have time to get bored!!

Intellectual Life

As is suggested by this table, I fall under the umbrella of 'undiagnosed as a child, considered shy and gifted'. I was always ahead of my peers in terms of education. However, the lack of being able to study independently and no support due to no diagnosis means that I struggled once I started my GCSEs. I am capable of learning anything, I just need support to do so.

I don't consider myself to have a savant skill, although asking different friend and relatives obtains different responses to this question.

I have a wide range of interests, but these are very narrow and specific in nature; for example, I am interested in the history of the Royal family, but only the Royal family, no other history. I am also interested in sport, but only motor sport and athletics. These are some of my 'obsessions' (I hate using that phrase.)

I was able to read fluently before starting nursery school, and by the age of 7 I had fallen off the top of the 'reading age' scale. I have studied and been granted a degree. However, throughout my 5 years at uni I studied on 2 different courses and only stuck the second one out thanks to the support of my personal tutor. I am liable to go 'hot and cold' on my interests; I danced for 18 years, but now dancing doesn't interest me at all.

I am very daunted by the world of work. I have held down my current employment for 4 years now. However due to many changes in the workplace the stress became too much for me and I had to have 6 months off due to a nervous breakdown. 

I have always been considered intelligent, but I lack a huge amount of 'common sense'. I understand things in the end, I'm just a bit slow at working things out. Because of this people think I'm a bit dim, but I'm more intelligent than I seem. Because of this, I have to learn by doing; telling me something does not guarantee I'll remember.

Emotional/Physical Life

Emotionally, I am a wreck. I am really incapable of coping with life. Even now, my psychologist is trying to encourage me to take some more time off work to recuperate, as I'm not getting any better. I am very masculine in that I don't speak of my problems until they bubble over. My emotional set-up is weak; I suffer with depression, anxiety, and a whole host of other mental health issues. 

Sensory issues are the bane of my life!!! The rest of being an Aspie I wouldn't change, as it's who I am, but I wish I didn't have sensory issues. Hearing every sound that happens in work, the phones all ringing, alarms going off on display items, the shredder being used, that man tapping the pen, the beeping buttons on chip and pin machines, people talking, background music....The list goes on!!! It drives me insane. I wish I could stomach more foods, I wish I could turn my sense of smell off, and my texture detectors in my mouth. I also want to find somebody else who tastes colours. Apparently this is more common that you'd think. I'll do a more in depth post about this soon.

I have a list of allergies so long that I can't get a medic-aid band, and severe gastro-intestinal issues. Every year I seem to accumulate a new medicine I'm allergic to, or a new food which makes me ill.

I have always been known to get restless legs when agitated; that is, my foot wobbles up and down, or my knees shudder. I am less active when happy, just jumping up and down for a short stretch of time; my stimming is mostly caused by my anxiety and stresses.

Meltdowns are something that affect me on a grand scale. So much so, that I will discuss these in depth in my next blog post. This can be caused by miscommunication and misunderstanding, or by stress and anxiety, feeling overwhelmed.

When I get very upset I do shut down, I can't speak, and the frustration I am shown due to my not speaking only exacerbated the situation. When I am stressed I am more likely to melt down, I shut down to silence more when I'm upset.

Social Relationships

I struggle with social relationships to an extreme level. I have only one friend who I trust wholeheartedly, and only a select few who I trust mostly. Even my family outside of my immediate family is a strained relationship.

I can be outspoken, but usually to negative reviews. So after this I become almost silent. I like to be quiet, I like to quietly assess the situation and to be aware of everything that is going on. 

In social situations where my best friend is there I can usually cope as she provides me with a source of sensibility, and will maintain a conversation which allows me to shut down and regroup myself. This allows me to recharge my social battery ready to re-engage with people around me.

I only tend to go out with one particular friend. We don't do girly stuff, we tend to go to ASDA!!! 

I do want to have a relationship, but it is too much of a stress. They would interfere with my routines; I need to find myself a happy place before I allow anybody to join me in it!!!

I would gladly spend my entire life with dogs if I could; unfortunately my sensory issues mean that I can't deal with their excrement. We have a family dog but I spend time with him at home and never walk him alone as I can't deal with the poo.

So there we have it...

This post became a lot more self centred that I'd anticipated. 

However, I think that, on balance, it gives a lot of evidence towards my being an Aspie. Just goes to show, you don't need to 'look' like an Aspie to have the  difficulties. 

This picture sums up my point entirely: