But are you REALLY there for me?

My life is full of people, same as most of you out there I imagine.

I have filtered down all of the people in my life using one criteria: 'Would I cry at your funeral?'

For those who fit in the 'no' bracket, it doesn't mean I'd be happy if they died, but it takes a lot for me to cry, so I may just feel sorrow for them.

Those you fit in the 'yes' bracket are those I consider of high importance in my life. Indeed, I would go as far as to say they mean more to me than I mean to me.

Sadly, when they are more important than yourself, you put yourself at the bottom of the list. You don't open up or ask for help, you don't want to burden them; you spend your time wishing, hoping, that they decide to ask you first. You pray that you won't have to get to that horrifically low place again, you want them to intervene before you hit the bottom...

But, for some reason, they never do. 

Then you ask them for help, and they make you feel like they're fed up of helping. They seem to think that all you do is ask for help. Ironically, I probably ask for help only 5-10% of the time I feel I need it. The other 90% of the time I am stuck in mental turmoil. All I want to do is ring and beg for support, but I can't because I know what the reaction will be... This makes me feel worse, meaning I need the help more than ever. 

Why can they never pick up the phone first? Why can they never call in and say 'Here's some food Laura'. Would it hurt to ring on their way home from work to see if I need anything from the shops?? A pint of milk, a loaf of bread?

All of these things would be infinitesimal to them, but to me would mean the world, that somebody could care enough to think of me without begging for their time. 

Maybe I should ask for help 100% of the time I need it, they'd soon realise just how much help I need. I'd feel even more of a failure though :(

I just cannot communicate this to people without seeming ungrateful. I try to write them letters and they don't read the entirety, get to the part where I explain that I need more, then fly off the handle.

The worst part is, I put everybody above myself, so I know that when people are feeling bad I am always trying to keep in touch and support them, so all the support is heading outwards and nothing coming in.

I know this is a pretty self-centred post, but I am trying to vent here rather than try to say something to someone I care for, as they always twist everything.

L x