So... I'm bipolar... I should just get over it, right, we all have ups and downs...
Yes, I know mood fluctuations are natural, human, 'normal', but it depends on how wide the range they span is.
To me, a 'high' day isn't a case of getting out of bed without snoozing, smiling all day, going for a jog and enjoying a healthy tea. A high day for me involves making life altering decisions such as spending money I don't have, deciding to return to uni to retrain without staring my first career, and doing things that I would ordinarily consider outlandish... Telling people exactly what I think about anything, not caring if it offends anybody...
Conversely, my 'lows', they are horrific... A low day for me is a day where I can't move from the sofa, I wish I would just stop breathing and the thought that I have to live through the same again tomorrow is to much to bear...
I just don't know which end of the spectrum I'm going to be at each day... On days when I'm high nothing matters, I don't believe I'm ill, I go out spending all my money, and miss appointments... The only small restriction I have is that anxiety can still intervene, putting a barrier on my day... Low days I stress about having no money, offending everyone and being a failure as a human...
My mood diary from the psych showed that I have 'OK' days less than 25% of the time, 25% ish high mood and 50% depressive mood... So statistically I spend 25% of my life trying to fix myself, and 75% ballsing everything up :(
I'm hoping that the bipolar diagnosis will open up a support framework to try to stabilise my moods, maybe giving me a bigger proportion of time to fix my life????
sorry this is a bit of a ranty post, feeling a bit trapped today...
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